Along with being aware, acceptance is a crucial part of the process of letting suicidal thoughts go. If you do not accept that you have control over them then you cannot change them. Many people believe that they do not have control over the thoughts of suicide, but this is not the case. We have control over everything we choose to believe and feed. Feeding the thoughts of suicide with hatred, anger and rage will only sink you deeper into your pit of despair.
Once you accept that you can change your desire to kill yourself you should feel like you have made progress. It may not seem like a lot, but by simply accepting your control of the thoughts of suicide you are taking the reigns away from your negative thought pattern. Awareness and acceptance go hand in hand since one feeds the other in a positive way.
As you practice being more aware of your thoughts of suicide you should also practice acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are instead of hating yourself for the ways you are different. Stop blaming others for your situation and accept the fact that you are actually in control of your life. If you cannot find acceptance for yourself you will remain stuck in pit of suicidal thoughts. Repeat your acceptance mantra along with your awareness mantra and believe in the words you say or write. Only with time will you come to accept your control and only then will you be ready to truly make changes with yourself and your life.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Awareness of the Mind/Pain Relationship
If you are thinking of suicide, it is likely that the pain in your heart is what is feeding your mind. Your mind is telling you to do it, to end it all because the pain you feel is unbearable. If you can learn to separate your mind from your pain you can start to remove the idea of suicide from yourself.
If you have spent the time doing the writing meditation you will know that what you tell yourself in your mind is not how you feel. Just because you say something over and over again doesn't mean it's true, right? So if you continue to tell yourself that suicide isn't the only option what good will it do? Logically it holds the same weight as saying that you do want to kill yourself. What your mind says is what your heart or pain tells it to. If you can train your mind to separate itself from your pain you will begin to make smarter choices based on what you choose to. The pain isn't a choice but what you let your mind say or do is.
How do you do this? Awareness. Everytime you make a statement like, "I want to kill myself" or "I want to die" or "I want to commit suicide" it is your mind choosing to actually say or think the words. You may feel the pain deep down, but the words that form are from your mind. The more aware you become about what you allow yourself to declare or believe the easier it will be separate. Your pain is separate from your ideas of suicide and the faster you become aware of that the faster you will learn to see that there are other roads to take.
Continue the writing meditation and now add the awareness factor. Every time you feel pain do not allow the mind to interfere. Do not react with words or statements or decisions about suicide. Simply acknowledge how you feel and become aware of the wall in between your pain and your mind. If the wall has crumbled now is the time to rebuild it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Leave the sheep behind
When you find yourself in this place it can be hard to get out. In fact it can seem impossible, improbable and a cruel joke to think that you can ever be like everyone else. Smiling, laughing, full of purpose. Belonging. Enjoying life instead of hating it. The truth of the matter is that when you decide you want to kill yourself many of you feel a sense a relief because an end is in sight. This end may seem like the only option, but I am here to tell you that it is not. Of course suicide is an option. We are all comprised of our own free will to do as we please. But you should know that it is not the only option, no matter what you may believe at this time.
You will never be like everybody else, you are unique and different and deep on many levels. You have deep emotions and empathy and are sensitive to the world around you. You feel so much pain and hurt that it defines who you are. Would you really want to trade that in to be like everyone else? Learning how to cope with who you are and embrace it is the first part of the process. It's okay to be you, it's okay to be different and it's okay to feel so much pain. Without it you would be just like everyone else - a mindless sheep doing and feeling what you are told.
The first thing you need to do is to commit to exploring another option other than suicide. You may not believe there is one, you may feel like suicide is the only way out. But if you take a chance on trying something else you will find yourself rise above the rest and climb the ladder to a higher evolution. You just have to make the commitment to leave suicide behind you.
Take out a notebook and start a journal for this plan, this collection of actions designed to eliminate your own suicide delusion. On the first page you should write, "Suicide is not the only option". Write it over and over again. Write it until it reaches your core and you believe in it. This is called a writing meditation. Whenever you feel yourself losing sight of your plan take out your notebook and write it again. Say it to yourself throughout the day when you find your mind wandering towards suicide. Only when you believe there is even the slightest possibility that there is another option besides suicide can you move on.
You will never be like everybody else, you are unique and different and deep on many levels. You have deep emotions and empathy and are sensitive to the world around you. You feel so much pain and hurt that it defines who you are. Would you really want to trade that in to be like everyone else? Learning how to cope with who you are and embrace it is the first part of the process. It's okay to be you, it's okay to be different and it's okay to feel so much pain. Without it you would be just like everyone else - a mindless sheep doing and feeling what you are told.
The first thing you need to do is to commit to exploring another option other than suicide. You may not believe there is one, you may feel like suicide is the only way out. But if you take a chance on trying something else you will find yourself rise above the rest and climb the ladder to a higher evolution. You just have to make the commitment to leave suicide behind you.
Take out a notebook and start a journal for this plan, this collection of actions designed to eliminate your own suicide delusion. On the first page you should write, "Suicide is not the only option". Write it over and over again. Write it until it reaches your core and you believe in it. This is called a writing meditation. Whenever you feel yourself losing sight of your plan take out your notebook and write it again. Say it to yourself throughout the day when you find your mind wandering towards suicide. Only when you believe there is even the slightest possibility that there is another option besides suicide can you move on.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time there was a little girl who had everything going for her. She was smart and popular and everyone wanted to be her friend. Her grades were top of the class without any effort at all and everyone expected her to be a great success when she grew up. As a child she knew she could do anything she put her mind to but she was extremely self-critical and had a strong desire to be a perfectionist.
When she reached her teenage years she became bored with school and started using drugs. Her perfectionism slowly turned into a lack of organization at all since there was just too much going on in her head to care. Creative and talented she felt the teenage angst consume her in everything she did but lacked any direction or purpose.
As life became increasingly difficult to endure, she continued to experiment with ways to alleviate the pressure. She tackled the numbness brought on by the drugs and alcohol by cutting herself in the dark of room late at night. She went to concerts and bars and filled her nights with what seemed like fun although she always felt bad about herself the next day. Suicide started to seem like the only way out of the endless pit called her life.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who seemed to have nothing go right for him from the minute he was born. His parents split up when he was five and he never saw his dad. His mom worked three jobs just to keep the rent paid and he never had any new clothes to wear. No one liked him, including his teachers, and he was always getting picked on.
By the time he was a teenager he had basically given up on thinking that he'd ever be like everyone else. He was a loner with dirty shoes and journals filled with poetry and drawings that he thought would never mean anything to anyone but himself. While friends were having parties and going out, he was forced to stay home and watch his little brothers and sisters so his mom could work her late shift at the club.
Searching for a way to cope, he began to write more intensely. He experimented with drugs and found them to be an easy way of coping with life. He followed the rules, never spoke his mind and did what he was told, all the time dying on the inside. He wanted to shout and scream and say how he felt but he never got up enough courage to hurt his mom the way his dad did so many years ago. Suicide began to seem like the best way to get out of what was beginning to feel like a flawed existence.
Do you identify with one of these scenarios? Once upon a time, I was a little girl or little boy as well. And I thought that suicide was the only way to end the pain. If you are searching the web to find someone like you, then you have come to the right place. I wanted to start my blog by making certain that anyone who comes here understands I'm not some doctor or self-help nut who has no clue what it is like for you. I promise I understand and I am still here to tell you about it. I hope to share the path I followed and plan on offering it to you through this blog - maybe it will help lead you to yours.
When she reached her teenage years she became bored with school and started using drugs. Her perfectionism slowly turned into a lack of organization at all since there was just too much going on in her head to care. Creative and talented she felt the teenage angst consume her in everything she did but lacked any direction or purpose.
As life became increasingly difficult to endure, she continued to experiment with ways to alleviate the pressure. She tackled the numbness brought on by the drugs and alcohol by cutting herself in the dark of room late at night. She went to concerts and bars and filled her nights with what seemed like fun although she always felt bad about herself the next day. Suicide started to seem like the only way out of the endless pit called her life.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who seemed to have nothing go right for him from the minute he was born. His parents split up when he was five and he never saw his dad. His mom worked three jobs just to keep the rent paid and he never had any new clothes to wear. No one liked him, including his teachers, and he was always getting picked on.
By the time he was a teenager he had basically given up on thinking that he'd ever be like everyone else. He was a loner with dirty shoes and journals filled with poetry and drawings that he thought would never mean anything to anyone but himself. While friends were having parties and going out, he was forced to stay home and watch his little brothers and sisters so his mom could work her late shift at the club.
Searching for a way to cope, he began to write more intensely. He experimented with drugs and found them to be an easy way of coping with life. He followed the rules, never spoke his mind and did what he was told, all the time dying on the inside. He wanted to shout and scream and say how he felt but he never got up enough courage to hurt his mom the way his dad did so many years ago. Suicide began to seem like the best way to get out of what was beginning to feel like a flawed existence.
Do you identify with one of these scenarios? Once upon a time, I was a little girl or little boy as well. And I thought that suicide was the only way to end the pain. If you are searching the web to find someone like you, then you have come to the right place. I wanted to start my blog by making certain that anyone who comes here understands I'm not some doctor or self-help nut who has no clue what it is like for you. I promise I understand and I am still here to tell you about it. I hope to share the path I followed and plan on offering it to you through this blog - maybe it will help lead you to yours.
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